Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.

Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.

“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”

I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot

According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.

It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.

I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?

It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell

According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”

STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.

My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix

I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background

It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.

teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]

me: ok lol

[later]

me: hey what the f-

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON