Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To all my friends who lost weight- I found it

Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.

Him:*laughs nervously*

Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial

I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton

CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.

Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper

This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much

flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”

We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no

The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.

Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?

Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”

Person: *laughing*

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!

Nobody ever told me that this was an option.

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.

I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.

Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”

[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees

The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow

I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.

Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.

I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.

British people this week:

“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”

doctor: get ready to say “aaah”

me: why are we on the roof

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.

I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.

The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes