Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
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Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
me: dating is hard
me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
want me to check your oil?
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.