Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
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Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t
Your honor these allegations are
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?