Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
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I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Fun Fact: Rudolph isn’t on the Epstein flight logs because he flew there himself.
Monday
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:
Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
“You’d better run, egg!”
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
grandpa was shocked
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog