Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
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By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
This rocks
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
babe wake up, it’s stupid outside
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed