Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”

Anne Has A Problem

Anne Has A Solution

Anne Has A Will

Anne Hathaway

I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat

Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs

“can we play our computers on the plane?”

bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone

[1st date]

-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.

Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.

A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣

Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh

[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew

I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN

WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*

Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby

Case of beer: I have a boyfriend

Her: Undress me with your words…

Me: I saw a spider in your bra.

signs you’re dating an angel:

– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.

Friday

Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them

Wife: I hate that thing

Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!

Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico

Me: It’s a collector’s item!

Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”

Me:

Wife:

Me: You want me to toss it?

Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties

Which is it, brain?

Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my Imagine Asian.

Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!

If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser

I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.

Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!