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When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
oh you like architecture? name three walls
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE