Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
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me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber
coworker: what adorable costumes!
me: costumes?
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.