Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
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My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
2022 be like
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.