Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.

Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.

Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.

Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-

Me: Is this even a garden??

Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*

You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance

What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?

My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.

Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.

Hamster: Poor baby.

Horrifying if literal: armchairs

I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.

Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.

But a little drama never hurts.

[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]

Doctor: What the hell?

Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.

If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.

If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*

[repeat ad infinitum]

I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it

Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever

Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.

An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination

H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back

Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market

Realtor: ok, where is it?

Little Old Lady: um, right here

Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe

Little Old Lady: it’s my home

Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?

Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one

LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea

Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.