Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.

3yo: I won’t.

Wife: hey guys.

3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.

Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me

explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”

crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.

I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.

therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms

me: hmmm *writes note*

therapist: what did you just write

me: doesn’t feel so great does it

GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?

GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?

Boxing is born.

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*

Creepy-crawlies

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”

exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time

Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.

So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?

Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.

Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?

Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.

Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?

7yo: Not me.

Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.

7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…

I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else

POUTINE TIMELINE

9 PM: I could go for a poutine

9:15: This is god’s delicious gift

9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them

9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning

11 PM: I could go for a poutine

I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears

ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?

HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it

Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa

I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.

if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat

“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”

“my name is Denise”

When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many

[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in