Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.

My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.

Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.

This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.

i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass

[slips the bus driver £20]

“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”

Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?

I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again

Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.

9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet

1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?

“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”

Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep

Doctor: that’s quite normal

Old lady: and then a bird

Doctor: what

You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

If only

[interview]

Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?

Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”

[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this

All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.

[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.

[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]

“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”

And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎

Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: yay!

God: you have a very long neck.

Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?

God: uh-sure.

Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!

God: no-

Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.

God:

Giraffe: feels like 72 : )

Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse

Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.

My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.

Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.