Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?

It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.

ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this

We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.

Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled

me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now

Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.

Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!

It’s like she didn’t want a tip.

An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows

My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.

“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks

When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?

I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.

Me: is everything ok you seem distant

Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars

Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”

Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.

all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real

My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

her: I’m a cat person

me: I’m more of a dog pers-

her: [starts licking hind leg]

me: oooOoo k

How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?

*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*

Meme: I have a boyfriend.

GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.

[Arranging a date]

Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?

Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG

The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective

“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”

Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.

Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…

Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.

Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?