*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
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Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut