Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
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my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
*tries to suppress yawn in meeting*
eyes: *water*
*looks like I’m crying in meeting*
me: yeah this is better
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Risking my life for fun.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
sleeping beauty
