Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.

cat: *plays fiddle*

cow: *jumps over moon*

dishes: *run away*

farmer: *sets down bong*

If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.

“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.

I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support

Twitter remains undefeated

Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom

Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.

put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about

me: more teeth

dentist: what

me: *recording video* no skimping now

Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife

There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.

me: you ever have conversations in your head?

me: lmao no

I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.

Wordle is trying to tell me something

⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.

Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.

GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body

clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave

My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs

Netflix: Continue watching?

Me: *can’t find tv remote*

Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up

Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant