Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me

Interviewer: a job-related weakness…

PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-

ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.

PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.

ME: *gasps* How can you tell?

Not recommended for beginners.

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?

[on a rocket which just launched into space]

Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.

Hacker: Give us your password or else

30 minutes later…

Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call

Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.

Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…

Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]

…EXACTLY.

I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?

A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse

The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.

Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”

I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.

PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”

They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”

That suggestion has holes in it.

got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff

Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.

9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework

Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.

I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies

WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*

Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”

This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.

sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?