[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
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parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I already tried new things thanks.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.