[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
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Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.