Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
You Might Also Like
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Here’s a meme
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
son: she literally knows nothing
me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function
son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world
me: now you’re getting the hang of it
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
May your day taste like creamy soup.