Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray

Dermatologist: you really need some sun

My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”

[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”

I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless

“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”

did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.

My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.

You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..

My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method

ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”

I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”

I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them

Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*

I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”