Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
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A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.