Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me

People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body

People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk

All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”

When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID

The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”

….I’ll see myself out….

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples

What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.

What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.

If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.

My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.

When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:

*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention

*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going

*someone dropped a penny

reasons white people riot:

1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.

“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

McDonald’s should put a nativity scene in all their restaurants in December.
Call it the McCrib

My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.

Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.

~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021

Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.

Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”

Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”

they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: you opened it in Word didn’t you

I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.

man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me

Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?

16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”

*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*