Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.

My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

Some people are just better left alone.

In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.

Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.

Me: Fair enough, Carl.

confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”

its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.

why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone

Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.

getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”

9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)

Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.

9: You were alive back then?

I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.

TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question

ME: I figured I’d get a few right

TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice

Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2

Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2

Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search

A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life

Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies

Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.

Cop: Again, license and registration please

He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.

With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.

[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing

Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..