*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
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beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.