*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
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the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Not helping
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
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My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO