*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
You Might Also Like
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?