Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
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the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Imma just leave this here…………
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
