Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.

i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS

Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?

no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball

watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy

Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting

They should invent clothes that get fat with you

How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.

Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?

3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.

I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh

The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives

Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!

Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.

Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you!

[Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked

Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure

Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?

Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.

Worth every penne.

Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.

6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*

4yo: it’s ok, I like it

me:

4yo: except for the smell

McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.

“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

mcdonalds: may I take your order

cronus: I’ll have the kids meal

I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel

Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.

In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.

8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this

[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*