Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
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Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last