Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour

You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…

They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room

Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room

Him: I just had sex with that woman!

Me: She’s 60.

Him: I know.

Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.

Her: How would you describe that green sheep?

Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?

Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!

Entrapment 101

[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

do you like my signals
I mixed them myself

Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.

1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer

1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer

2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.

You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.

An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.

Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long

Me: yeah that was on purpose

bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:

Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me

It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking

I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.

Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.

Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?

*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.

4-year-old: Can I have some water?

Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.

4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.

Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……

She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.