Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
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Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf