Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
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*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Doctors texting each other.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight