Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.
also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
