Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Me: Do you ever get a sharp stabbing pain in your head and groin?
Annoying coworker: No.Me, angrily throwing away the voodoo doll
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
three things we don’t talk about
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
