Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
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I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.