Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
You Might Also Like
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
i did the math
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.