Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
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My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Optional boss fight.
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
me: *starts the washer*
me, two minutes later: what’s that noise
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ