Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
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FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.