Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
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The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
💀💀💀💀
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?