decorating my apartment
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I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
i’m gonna allow it
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
@funTweeters
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Good lord
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.