decorating my apartment
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[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
That’s fair
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”
become ungovernable
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
My typo game is string.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus