decorating my apartment
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[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…