Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!

“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head

*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”

If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving

the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers

[First day as a surgeon]

Me: Oops…..

[Last day as surgeon]

“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *strips naked and does running man*

Wife – “….”

I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.

Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?

My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀

Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

2: Mommy!!

Me: Yes?

2: NOOOOOOOOO!

I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.

Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.

“can we play our computers on the plane?”

bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone

I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?

I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems

I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks

Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.

“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails

Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”