Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wakes up from 20 year coma*

SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI

Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?

6yo: A recorder.

Me: How about a pony instead?

Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.

Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.

Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.

That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!

Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—

Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM

Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.

Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.

“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully

I’m basically only good at three things:

1. Programming
2. Counting

#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!

I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?

If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”

[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]

[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]

8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored

The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…

Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before

Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs

*pokes sex life with a stick

[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW

“Hey look, a corn maze!”

– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

Harry: so a time turner turns back time

Dumbledore: yes

Harry: to, say, stop two murders

Dumbledore:

Harry: hello

Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”

I think about this a lot.

I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can

I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter

If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.

I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.

Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.

Why not? We’re roofers.

Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.