Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.

ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY

Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.

My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!

*hyperventilates*

*vomits*

Me: It’s for the dog.

8: Oh. Can I have a snack?

Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.

Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.

Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*

[dinner]

WIFE: This risotto is rich

ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”

WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?

ME: …

WIFE: …

ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’

In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.

I like my women like I like my bugs…

In my bed 😬

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.

Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.

the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out

If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.

Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”

If she says yes, you can sit where she was.

Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend

[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?

Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.

Me: (awkward silence)

Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”

I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.

My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.

Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.

Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.

I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.