Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
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DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.