Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.

Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.

At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.

I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.

A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon

Looking for investors

cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here

I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker

The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.

If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.

In my 20’s: I want to find true love.

In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.

If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated

aaaaand send

I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.

I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience

[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there

“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”

~My son apparently

Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.

Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel

H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.

M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!

H: Have you been day drinking?

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates

really makes you think 🤔

I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”

Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.

I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.

Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).

3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!

Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?

3:…

Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?

3:…

I’m going to remember this night forever!!!

Tequila – You sure about that?