@_steamy_mac

*deep drag off cigarette
I was in love once, kid.
*proceeds to eat lit cigarette

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@DropsNoPanties

Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.

Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!

@AmericanGent69

{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.

@Ikea_Monkey_89

When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.

@

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Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@UncleDuke1969

Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me

“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”

Brain: Perfect!

@darksidedeb

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

@iamspacegirl

[mouse plane]

mouse pilot: hello folks, this is your captain squeaking-

*mouse passengers squeal with delight*

@Dwarven_Cleric

Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”

@Diversion50

BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.

NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?

BUZZ: Nope

*5 minutes silence*

BUZZ: OK, yep.