*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
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I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Dance like you’re not the father
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.