Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.

I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…

I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.

Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.

Just choked on a apple…

Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..

[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]

*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*

“I…am…a…vegan”

if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.

@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?

Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’

the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules

So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.

ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes

IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.

The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages

My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.

Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”

[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]

The Office: Coronavirus

Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this

Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity

Angela wears a hazmat suit

Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine

Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.

back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts

Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.

Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.

Age 15: kids are stupid

Age 25: kids are stupid

Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid

7yo: What are these?

Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.

7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time

7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?

me: i guess so

7: and because she likes books?

me: um…yeah

7: but at least she’s pretty right?

me: …let’s watch moana instead

I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”

Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?

you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years

“Are you good and hard for me yet?”

– me boiling eggs