Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?

Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.

Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it

Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.

I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits

I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.

Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.

[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho

I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.

YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?

This took me a few seconds.. 😅

I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.

I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.

2019: The floor is lava.

2020: The year is lava.

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol

Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.

My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.

I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat