Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??

[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

“May I have this dance?”

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]

good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”

Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.

I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.

Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.

manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim

Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.

Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.

[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*

Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Me: I understand.

*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*

i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”

GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!

GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?

Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul

ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.

GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.

Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down

Me: * tastes dog treats*

Stalker: frickin weirdo

💀

Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away

Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

I think this should do it.

Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.

When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter

If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.

[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business

my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research