Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
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My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.