Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
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Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
a lot to unpack here
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
General: We need aerial support now!
Captain: *confused* I’m glad she had a happy ending, she deserved more than the ocean could give her sir!
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think