Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!

robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

Of course you can trust me with your secret.

*Calls local news team

[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood

I do it one time and now I need bail

Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs

Jeremy: That’s really cool dad

Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually

hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie

Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.

6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week

Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it

6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.

Me:… sweet

Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.

Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele

Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.

I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.

Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.

[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]

ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was

Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-

ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be

How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.

guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”

Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om

Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown

Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me

Her: like a mom

Me: haha exactly, and—

Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili

i was dropped as an adult

Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight

Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month