Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
You Might Also Like
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.
“No, my money is in it.”
“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”
“In case I need to make a bet”
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made