Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
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*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
I gave up going to work for lent.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
My blood type is coffee.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.