Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”

Whoops

My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

the greatest twitter interaction

Cereal is basically dog food for humans.

Art by Pastelkatto

What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application

That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.

the dark web is just a goth google.

[interview]

So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?

Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?

*points to dead cactus*

[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”

Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.

Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point

Me: hey want to go to sushi?

Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?

Me: well I’m down for a date if you are

Her: I only want to be friends

Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool

The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.

It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.

rapatouille

If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.

I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.

Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.

sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale

*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?