Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
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23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
I’m awake but I object,
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.