deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
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Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
