Deer are just ballerina dogs
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We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore