Deer are just ballerina dogs
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If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*