deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
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I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!