Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
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I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper