Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
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All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Real House Wines.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.