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*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.