DEESCALATE is the perfect word to yell to escalate any situation.
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“you look easy to draw”
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Important
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
“oh dude you’re gonna want to see this” i yell to my dog from the other room upon seeing 2 squirrels on a fence
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me: