Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
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In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Thursday
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES