Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
You Might Also Like
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Wednesday
