Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
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This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
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If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay