Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”

My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.

The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind

instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship

Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.

“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law

“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.

Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE

My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.

English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.

But that’s none of my business

What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?

Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.

Is it because I’m brown??

Me: God grant me the serenity.

God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.

Them: What’s your writing process like?

Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.

My writing process:

Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship

ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer

HER: it’s ok i don’t drink

ME: ok we have 2 problems

The 70s had it right.

Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.

The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.

Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.

Ok, but like, how married are you?

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test

Me: C

Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩

My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.