Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
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I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?