Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*

Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell

Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.

I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.

My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.

The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*

[Next Night]

Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit

The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.

Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic

don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler

Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.

Shhh!
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-Librarians arguing

[MURDER TRIAL]

JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?

MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.

So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-

Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…

(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”

(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*

– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?

Should have let Marvel produce 2020.

Netflix: are you still watching

Alexa: yeah he’s here

Me: 😳

This is my emotional support yacht 🎀

My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.

A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.

[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫

Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…

Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.

*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”

– me every time I watch Toy Story 3

Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..

Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’