Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
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The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
typical orange cat and void cat behavior
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
adding to the discourse
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.