Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*

Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something

And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much

I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.

I’m always there for my friends when I need them.

Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”

i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry

Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?

I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.

Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?

Police officer: You get to make one phone call.

Me: Do I have to?

[job interview]

employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company

me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant

Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway

straighten your back and drink some water you dehydrated banana

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”

Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?

I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.

Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?

I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.

*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*

Customers behind me: huffing and puffing

Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss

“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”

“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”

I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.

All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

*me carrying in all of the groceries

Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying

When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.