Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
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ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
You can get poptarts but you can’t get momtarts because of the pastryarchy.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.